MARCH 10 • TRUE LEADERSHIP • EPISODE 70
Mentorship – Who Are You Following 
Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning. Proverbs 9:9
Much like a Growth Gap — where because we grew taller as we got older, we think we grow wiser because we got older — in the same way we think that because we can hear, we are listening. It’s not true. Listening and hearing are two different things. Hearing is a physical, autonomic phenomenon, it’s involuntary in all but the hearing impaired, while listening is a purposeful cognitive intellectual function (we have to think about it). Like leadership, personal growth, learning to play an instrument, or engineering, etc., we must also learn to listen. As you’ve heard me say before from Steven Covey, “Most people don’t listen to understand, they listen to respond.” What if we all start to listen in such a way as to communicate better.
It starts with understanding selfishness (see January 30 podcast/blog). We don’t listen because it’s all about us. But leadership is about (other) people — always has been, always will be. I can’t tell you how many times I endured other peoples conversations just so I could get to what I wanted to say… what a waste of their time and mine. You don’t learn from others that way. And most people have something to offer. We all have different gifts, talents and experience — you’re there anyway so you should listen to what’s being said and learn from it, add it to the pool of knowledge, separate out the wise counsel, and make wise decisions!
How to truly listen. There are three to six levels of listening depending on who you follow with the top two being from Steven Covey and Otto Scharmer. As well, in studying and being certified as a coach with the John Maxwell Team, we learned to listen deeply. These are what I have put together from all my study on listening — it is simple and effective.
Casual Listening — Low level of information, conversational, listening to respond, want to get our thoughts and ideas across, share our experiences. This is okay for casual conversations and we don’t need to dig deep. Doesn’t matter if we misunderstand.
Considerate Listening — Here we are more actively listening to understand, but we are still mostly concerned about the parts of the conversation that are important to us and not necessarily what the importance of the conversation is. We takeaway what we want, and some of what we should. This is mostly one way conversation, polite, and cordial, though we mostly takeaway what we need from it.
Concise Listening — or compassionate listening. We are intently listening with empathy to understand purpose, meaning, and action. Our first purpose is to know deeply what the other person or people are trying to get across. We use listening techniques to ensure we are understanding correctly what others are saying and effectively communicating what we want them to know. We actively and compassionately listen to the heart of the other (s). Plus, we utilize special methodologies and procedures to guarantee we have connected. Much of this is taking from good marriage counseling techniques and it is applied across the spectrum of situations in life. Here are those methodologies —
• Make the conversation safe. If there isn’t safety, people will not share, or if they do share, not as deeply as they should. So no condemnations, accusations, or angry comments. Never say, You hurt me but say what you said made me feel badly. The point is that someone can disagree with you that they hurt you, but they cannot disagree with your feelings of hurt. Not logically anyway.
• Dual listening — Context and condition of speech. Most of us work on understanding the context or the what is said. Great communicators also pay attention to the condition or how it’s said at the same time. This takes practice to perfect but can be done. Don’t get too far ahead in context without defining the condition. It puts understanding in a whole new light.
• Ask questions instead of making comments. Comments can be accusatory where questions allow for options. Don’t ask why — re-frame the question with a how, what, when, or where question. (e.g., not Why did you do that?, but maybe, What made you feel that was the right thing to do?)
• Read between the lines. Don’t add what is not there, but listen in such a way as to discern what they are trying to communicate but not saying explicitly. Because you’re going to ask them later if you understood correctly, it’s okay to guess at what you think they are trying to say because you will give them an opportunity to reword or better define. Do not put words in someone’s mouth but speak in a way that shows you are being empathetic.
• Keep to one topic at a time. If you don’t bring conclusion to a topic it spills over and can become confusing. Get closure on a topic, then move on.
• We’re all on the same team — you are not my enemy. Think and speak in a fashion that shows I am not out to get you but I am here to help the team win. As a leader, your job is to get wins for your team. What does that look like?
• Prove I am listening. Looping for understanding (forensic term). Ask good, deep questions. Don’t get angry, get curious. One of the greatest hallmarks of a good coach is curiosity — learn why people feel the way they do. So prove you are listening by repeating back in your own words what you heard them say. Do not mirror, mimic, or parrot. Use your own words. What I hear you saying is…
• Ask if you got it right. Ask if it makes sense. Ask if they can clarify anything not understood correctly. You’re being vulnerable by saying you might be wrong. This defuses and deescalates situations. Are you here to win or here to communicate?? Have follow-up questions. Show you that you are paying attention.
Action: Here’s your takeaway: Your purpose is to get all the knowledge in the room in to the pool so you can make intelligent decisisons. This is not about you — it’s about truth. Communication isn’t about winning an argument or making something go in your favor. It’s about doing the right thing and helping your organization and helping others. Do not make this about you. Make it about others. Do not raise your voice or attitude. Help others, help your team win.
Pray: Lord, help me think more highly of others than I think of myself and help me help others communicate their hearts and their understanding.
That’s it! Much love and blessings. See you tomorrow!
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